They Walk Among Us

Bursting from beneath the earth emerges the dead who were once fantasy relevant. They roam through the fields in mindless pursuit of their once celebrated stats. Walking corpses are everywhere—staring at you—chanting, "Brains. Brains. Brains." They are fantasy zombies! So grab your gear and run for your life. It's time for the Walking Dead League!

We've all been there—the grave of fantasy football—the downs—it sucks. That's why, in the 15 years I've commissioned our league, we've begun each season with a clean slate. Starting over is one of the best things about this game, and I hope y'all get a chance to do the research and get your favorite players in the draft. Good Luck!

I know many of us really enjoy The Walking Dead. The rest of you, I'm sure, are familiar with TV's top horror-drama. Zombies are one of the biggest genres of American pop culture, so I don't expect any problems with y'all finding metaphors, similes, and puns to work with here. Have at it! Can't wait to see the silly shit y'all come up with. It's good to be back!

Who Will Take the Iron Throne?

Lords, warriors, imps, bastards, dragons, wizards, witches, and the undead—all roam Westeros to
make their claim on the Iron Throne. Meanwhile, the dysfunctional family that is House Lannister struggles to conceal their weaknesses and keep their boys perched upon the royal seat. War is inevitable! With each unholy union, and after each blood-bath wedding, after each battle on the icy wall, or in the forrest, or in the harbor, soon the privileged will face a contender capable of taking over. Can the Lannisters defend their dynasty—or will a new king emerge? We will see.

Behold! Gameday of Thrones is here! It's time for you to form a battle-plan, draft your troops, set your lineup, and take no prisoners!

That's right fellow team-owners, we're back for another season of fantasy football. This time, our matchups will take place within a medieval fantasy world. And just in time! Red Riders defends his two-time championship (winner in 2013 and 2014). The last two-time defending champion was Svvashbucklers in 2010 and 2011. Is it time for a regime change? Oh yeah! Prove it!

You know the drill. Leaguesafe payment requests will be sent out soon. Pay your dues ($50), and register your team in Yahoo. Let's shoot for a 14-team league this year. That means if the 10 we had from last year all renew, we'll have 4 open spots, so spread the word. We're recruiting serious fantasy-footballers only. Below is the draft order for 2015. The Draft will be online—Labor Day (Monday Sept. 7) at 1:00 pm EST.

1st pick - Nips
2nd pick - Lou
3rd pick - Commish
4th pick - A-Ron
5th pick - Kenny
6th pick - Kevin
7th pick - Jason
8th pick - Cha
9th pick - The Dean
10th pick - Mr T
11th pick - new team-owner
12th pick - new team-owner
13th pick - new team-owner
14th pick - new team-owner

Predicting Thursday Night Football Blowouts

Predicting blowouts provides a useful fantasy football advantage. Simply, one should start multiple players on the winning team and avoid starting players on the losing team.

Last night, the Falcons put up a ton of points against the Bucs. Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, Steven Jackson, Devin Hester, Antone Smith, and the Falcons defense all scored double digits (Harry Doulas also chipped in a touchdown). While the Bucs had no double digit earners—only scraps of points from Bobby Rainey, Vincent Jackson, and Mike Evans—all were made during junk time.

So how does one gain a fantasy football advantage from this?

Consider the following trend in weeks 1, 2, and 3, and predictions for weeks 4, 5, and 6.

The first three Thursday Night Football games have all been blowouts. In each game, the home team has won. In each game, the winning team had something to prove.

In week one on TNF, Seattle needed to prove that they were still the same team that won the championship, especially since many of the past Lombardi Trophy winners have had post season Superbowl hangovers. The Seahawks blasted the Packers 36-16. Russell Wilson, Marshawn Lynch, and Percy Harvin had excellent games. Aaron Rodgers had one of his worst.

In week two on TNF, the Ravens were coming off of a humiliating loss at home against their division rival in Cincinnati. Desperate to avoid starting 0-2 at home and for the season, the Ravens needed to prove that they were over their Superbowl hangover from the 2012 season and show that they were indeed playoff contenders once again. The Ravens manhandled the Steelers 26-6. Joe Flacco, Bernard Pierce, and Justin Tucker had nice games; Owen Daniels served as a fantasy zombie—coming to life with 2 touchdowns. While the Steelers failed to get into the endzone.

In week three on TNF, the Falcons were coming off of a humiliating loss handed to them by the Bengals as well. ATL needed to prove: they were over their fluke from last season, are indeed a force to be reckoned with, and are contenders for the playoffs. The Falcons squashed the Bucs at home 56-14.

In week four on TNF, the Redskins host the Giants. Coming off a poor performance at Philly, The Skins will need to prove that they are real contenders for the division without RG3. Washington will beat New York 35-7. Advise: start Redskins; bench Giants.

In week 5 on TNF, the Packers host the Vikings. After a disappointing start to the season, the Packers will need to prove that they are indeed an elite team. Green Bay will beat Minnesota 45-14. Advise: start Packers; bench Vikings.

In week 6 on TNF, the Texans host the Colts. Once considered a top Superbowl prospect, the Texans need to prove that they still have a dominating defense and can use it to win the AFC South. Houston will beat Indianapolis 20-6. Advise: start Texans; bench Colts.

Feminism Is Not a Fad; It's the Future

I'm male. I'm a feminist. And I'm not perfect either.

Months ago, when the first video of Ray Rice dragging Janay Palmer out of the elevator went public, I watched in denial. "Maybe she got drunk, passed out, and he tried carrying her up to their room," I thought. Then after watching the whole video, I felt like an ass. My only excuse: I was a fan of Ray Rice and desperately hoped that he wasn't a bad guy. Conclusion: I was ignorant.

The problem with men such as myself: we are unbearably slow. Too often, we need to play extra innings in order to arrive at the appropriate responses to situations that concern women. Nevertheless, women tolerate us. We're lucky they do.

The reason for our slowness: we lack control of our emotions. Contradiction to reality, women are the ones typically accused of being overemotional, and this is bullshit.

When confronting mental challenges, men such as myself try swinging a bat at our emotions in hopes to bash out feelings and let logic happen. And like a Hail Mary pass to the endzone, sometimes we get lucky. In fact, I consider luck one of my best virtues, especially when it comes to getting a second chance with women when I don't deserve it.

Notably, women are the ones who manage logic and emotions methodically like quarterbacks leading their teams on long drives. Some women are even capable of doing our thing better than us. You'd think we'd let them do it, and encourage them as well, but we don't because it scares the shit out of us.

Paranoia, fear, anger: these are the emotions (in that order) that give men such as myself problems. We notice the inevitable: women obtaining equality in every field. This change freaks us out. We're paranoid where women's equality will lead, we fear everything we know changing, we get angry every time there's tangible progress. Ray Rice's atrocity was finally handled this week. Regardless of various opinions on the matter, the tone that was dominate in men's responses to the incident was anger (no points awarded for guys who tried to hide anger with amusement and posting things on Facebook like, "Good riddance!").

When it comes to women's equality, where do you draw the line? You don't. You can't. Women will eventually obtain their goal: 50% of everything. They're unstoppable.

My prediction is that we'll be alive to see a lot of big changes in women's equality: a woman president, women priests, and women playing in men's professional sports.

You went, "Pfft," at women playing in men's sports didn't you? (Not you ladies.) Allow me to introduce Mo'ne Davis.

She's not a softball pitcher; she's a baseball pitcher and appears to be the total package. What are the technicalities prohibiting women from playing in men's professional sports leagues? Who the hell knows! But I believe nothing is going to stop Mo'ne Davis and all the other young ladies who got "the stuff" and are well adjusted like she is.

Still poo-pooing my predictions? Whatever.

A realm exists where everything that you say will never ever happen - will happen. It's called the future.

A few things before kickoff

Acquisition Budgets
You may have noticed your acquisition budget beginning at 100 instead of 1000. Both Yahoo and ESPN use a base budget of 100 to gauge players for waivers, trades, and auction drafts. Although I feel using low numbers don't truly represent the monetary nature of the NFL, there's no need to be different. This way, the value that analysts put on players will make sense in our league.

Small Leagues
Due to a lot of legacy team owners stepping down this season, The Lumbergh F*cked Her Leagues are 10 and 8 teamed. Hopefully, we'll see them back next season. In the meantime, one thing that should change this year is an increase in trades and a decrease in drops. Virtually all of your players rank inside the top 150. This leaves very few of them droppable. Use the trade block and remember that trades process faster than waivers.

Smack Talk
With all the fancy video and picture taking apps available for smartphones, there's simply no excuse not to get more creative with smack talk this year. Have fun! That's why you joined isn't it?

Far and Away
Y'all know I've moved to LA, and I'll be missing my B'more crew, so chat with me during the games. I'd like to use Twitter and/or Facebook chat over group text messages. Agreed?

Chomp Down on the Competition with Draft Sharks' MVP Board

photo by Joshua Ridgeway

You're fantasy football draft is coming up. You have the jitters all over again. That dreadful feeling of dissatisfaction from last season's draft looms over you. Don't be a victim of another bad draft. Instead, take a great white leap in the air and bite down on a prime fantasy football advantage! Become a member of Draft Sharks.

After trying out Draft Sharks' MVP Board, I'm convinced that it's one of the best tools out there for ensuring a quality draft. Let me do you a solid. I'm going to get right down to the chum of this thing and explain exactly why you should use Draft Sharks' MVP Board for your next fantasy football draft.

Draft Sharks Wins Awards

In two of the last four years, Draft Sharks has been awarded "The Most Credible Pre-Season Fantasy Football Projections" by FSTA. I found their overall player rankings to be close with mine and that of my most trusted resources. Personally, I would call DS's rankings, "down-to-earth."

The MVP Board Syncs with Your League's Settings

This is the single feature that won me over. With a DS account, you can configure the MVP Board by logging into your league's provider and transferring the settings. It was easy with Yahoo. The MVP Board uses your league's specific settings to rank the best player for your team when it's your turn to draft. Skeptical of its suggestions at first, I analyzed my first mock draft using the MVP Board and agree it works well. Because my league scores 6 points for passing touchdowns and rosters 1 QB, 2 WRs, 2 RBs, 1 TE, and 1 WR/RB/TE, QBs and RBs should be favored, and WRs and TEs are almost on the same level. DS made the right adjustments for this on the MVP Board.

The MVP Board is NOT an Auto Draft

The MVP Board Makes it easy for you to choose the right player in the right round. While you update the board with your picks and the picks of other team owners, the MVP Board computes the best players for you and suggests them in groups of 5. You simply choose the one you like the best. If you do not like any of the 5 suggested players, you can X them out individually (X-ed out players will repopulate if they're not drafted). This makes the MVP Board feel more like a personal assistant rather than Big Brother.

What You Need to Know
You'll need to practice using the MVP Board before you draft for real. No worries, there's an easy sample board for you to try out before you subscribe to their service. If you are drafting online, you'll essentially need to use two screens: one for the MVP Board and one for your actual online draft. I used the Windows Snap Feature and zoomed out a bit and this worked for me (see pic below). If you're drafting offline (like at a party) then don't let anyone sneak a peek for free. 

The Bottom Line
You'll draft a better team with Draft Sharks' MVP Board, and likely be in contention for the championship, if you continue to use its other valuable fantasy football features. Good luck and happy drafting.

  

Fractions of Pennies

Office Space's subplot serves up the perfect theme for trying out a Points Per Reception league (A.K.A. PPR). Don't worry. You won't have to learn how to "laundry money" or anything, in fact, some of you may find the PPR style easier to understand. Below are the differences between how my standard league scores and how the PPR will score.

Stat	Standard	PPR
Passing TDs	6	6
Passing yards	1 per 25 yards	0
Completions	0	1
40+ yard completions	0	1
Interceptions	-1	-1
Pick 6s	-1	-1
Reception TDs	6	6
Reception yards	1 per 10 yards	0
Receptions	0	1
40+ yard receptions	0	1
Rushing TDs	6	6
Rushing yards	1 per 10 yards	0
40+ yard rushes	0	1
Fumbles lost	-1	-1
Return TDs	6	6
Return yards	1 per 20 yards	0

I'm also interested in changing the free league into a paid league with $20 dues. I'll set up a poll to get your thoughts on this.