Feminism Is Not a Fad; It's the Future

I'm male. I'm a feminist. And I'm not perfect either.

Months ago, when the first video of Ray Rice dragging Janay Palmer out of the elevator went public, I watched in denial. "Maybe she got drunk, passed out, and he tried carrying her up to their room," I thought. Then after watching the whole video, I felt like an ass. My only excuse: I was a fan of Ray Rice and desperately hoped that he wasn't a bad guy. Conclusion: I was ignorant.

The problem with men such as myself: we are unbearably slow. Too often, we need to play extra innings in order to arrive at the appropriate responses to situations that concern women. Nevertheless, women tolerate us. We're lucky they do.

The reason for our slowness: we lack control of our emotions. Contradiction to reality, women are the ones typically accused of being overemotional, and this is bullshit.

When confronting mental challenges, men such as myself try swinging a bat at our emotions in hopes to bash out feelings and let logic happen. And like a Hail Mary pass to the endzone, sometimes we get lucky. In fact, I consider luck one of my best virtues, especially when it comes to getting a second chance with women when I don't deserve it.

Notably, women are the ones who manage logic and emotions methodically like quarterbacks leading their teams on long drives. Some women are even capable of doing our thing better than us. You'd think we'd let them do it, and encourage them as well, but we don't because it scares the shit out of us.

Paranoia, fear, anger: these are the emotions (in that order) that give men such as myself problems. We notice the inevitable: women obtaining equality in every field. This change freaks us out. We're paranoid where women's equality will lead, we fear everything we know changing, we get angry every time there's tangible progress. Ray Rice's atrocity was finally handled this week. Regardless of various opinions on the matter, the tone that was dominate in men's responses to the incident was anger (no points awarded for guys who tried to hide anger with amusement and posting things on Facebook like, "Good riddance!").

When it comes to women's equality, where do you draw the line? You don't. You can't. Women will eventually obtain their goal: 50% of everything. They're unstoppable.

My prediction is that we'll be alive to see a lot of big changes in women's equality: a woman president, women priests, and women playing in men's professional sports.

You went, "Pfft," at women playing in men's sports didn't you? (Not you ladies.) Allow me to introduce Mo'ne Davis.

She's not a softball pitcher; she's a baseball pitcher and appears to be the total package. What are the technicalities prohibiting women from playing in men's professional sports leagues? Who the hell knows! But I believe nothing is going to stop Mo'ne Davis and all the other young ladies who got "the stuff" and are well adjusted like she is.

Still poo-pooing my predictions? Whatever.

A realm exists where everything that you say will never ever happen - will happen. It's called the future.

A few things before kickoff

Acquisition Budgets
You may have noticed your acquisition budget beginning at 100 instead of 1000. Both Yahoo and ESPN use a base budget of 100 to gauge players for waivers, trades, and auction drafts. Although I feel using low numbers don't truly represent the monetary nature of the NFL, there's no need to be different. This way, the value that analysts put on players will make sense in our league.

Small Leagues
Due to a lot of legacy team owners stepping down this season, The Lumbergh F*cked Her Leagues are 10 and 8 teamed. Hopefully, we'll see them back next season. In the meantime, one thing that should change this year is an increase in trades and a decrease in drops. Virtually all of your players rank inside the top 150. This leaves very few of them droppable. Use the trade block and remember that trades process faster than waivers.

Smack Talk
With all the fancy video and picture taking apps available for smartphones, there's simply no excuse not to get more creative with smack talk this year. Have fun! That's why you joined isn't it?

Far and Away
Y'all know I've moved to LA, and I'll be missing my B'more crew, so chat with me during the games. I'd like to use Twitter and/or Facebook chat over group text messages. Agreed?

Chomp Down on the Competition with Draft Sharks' MVP Board

photo by Joshua Ridgeway

You're fantasy football draft is coming up. You have the jitters all over again. That dreadful feeling of dissatisfaction from last season's draft looms over you. Don't be a victim of another bad draft. Instead, take a great white leap in the air and bite down on a prime fantasy football advantage! Become a member of Draft Sharks.

After trying out Draft Sharks' MVP Board, I'm convinced that it's one of the best tools out there for ensuring a quality draft. Let me do you a solid. I'm going to get right down to the chum of this thing and explain exactly why you should use Draft Sharks' MVP Board for your next fantasy football draft.

Draft Sharks Wins Awards

In two of the last four years, Draft Sharks has been awarded "The Most Credible Pre-Season Fantasy Football Projections" by FSTA. I found their overall player rankings to be close with mine and that of my most trusted resources. Personally, I would call DS's rankings, "down-to-earth."

The MVP Board Syncs with Your League's Settings

This is the single feature that won me over. With a DS account, you can configure the MVP Board by logging into your league's provider and transferring the settings. It was easy with Yahoo. The MVP Board uses your league's specific settings to rank the best player for your team when it's your turn to draft. Skeptical of its suggestions at first, I analyzed my first mock draft using the MVP Board and agree it works well. Because my league scores 6 points for passing touchdowns and rosters 1 QB, 2 WRs, 2 RBs, 1 TE, and 1 WR/RB/TE, QBs and RBs should be favored, and WRs and TEs are almost on the same level. DS made the right adjustments for this on the MVP Board.

The MVP Board is NOT an Auto Draft

The MVP Board Makes it easy for you to choose the right player in the right round. While you update the board with your picks and the picks of other team owners, the MVP Board computes the best players for you and suggests them in groups of 5. You simply choose the one you like the best. If you do not like any of the 5 suggested players, you can X them out individually (X-ed out players will repopulate if they're not drafted). This makes the MVP Board feel more like a personal assistant rather than Big Brother.

What You Need to Know
You'll need to practice using the MVP Board before you draft for real. No worries, there's an easy sample board for you to try out before you subscribe to their service. If you are drafting online, you'll essentially need to use two screens: one for the MVP Board and one for your actual online draft. I used the Windows Snap Feature and zoomed out a bit and this worked for me (see pic below). If you're drafting offline (like at a party) then don't let anyone sneak a peek for free. 

The Bottom Line
You'll draft a better team with Draft Sharks' MVP Board, and likely be in contention for the championship, if you continue to use its other valuable fantasy football features. Good luck and happy drafting.

  

Fractions of Pennies

Office Space's subplot serves up the perfect theme for trying out a Points Per Reception league (A.K.A. PPR). Don't worry. You won't have to learn how to "laundry money" or anything, in fact, some of you may find the PPR style easier to understand. Below are the differences between how my standard league scores and how the PPR will score.

Stat	Standard	PPR
Passing TDs	6	6
Passing yards	1 per 25 yards	0
Completions	0	1
40+ yard completions	0	1
Interceptions	-1	-1
Pick 6s	-1	-1
Reception TDs	6	6
Reception yards	1 per 10 yards	0
Receptions	0	1
40+ yard receptions	0	1
Rushing TDs	6	6
Rushing yards	1 per 10 yards	0
40+ yard rushes	0	1
Fumbles lost	-1	-1
Return TDs	6	6
Return yards	1 per 20 yards	0

I'm also interested in changing the free league into a paid league with $20 dues. I'll set up a poll to get your thoughts on this.

Break Down the Cubicle Walls

Face it. You couldn't handle your boring job if it wasn't for fantasy football. Walking into the workplace looms dreadful thoughts, "Ugh! 8 more hours of this shit." The only bright spots at the beginning of your shift: possible free donuts in the break room and checking your fantasy football team.

No other flick sums up the common American goal of not doing work at work than the classic comedy Office Space. Therefore, I present to you: The "Lumbergh f*cked her" League. It's time to blow off authority, do as you please, and get recognition for it, like Peter did when he just said, "Fuck it," and got promoted.

Many of us have been fantasy footballin' together for over 10 years now. I'm proud to be your commish, and I would certainly conspire to infiltrate "the man" and steal fractions of pennies with you. So here we are, together again for another exciting season. Pay your dues, and sign up soon. We got a lot of not working to do.      

End of Season Report: Time to Try Draft Kings

Alas, another fantasy football season ends, depriving team owners of their weekend treat. Replacing your #1 fantasy sports hobby with games like NFL Playoff Challenges and Fantasy NBA is likely more sad than it is satisfying. And Fantasy Baseball and March Madness Brackets are close but no cigar! Thankfully, Draft Kings may have the jelly to fill your empty doughnut hole.

I'm trying Draft Kings for the first time this weekend. I've entered the Fantasy Football $400,000 Divisional Clash, drafted a team, and entered it into nine separate contests, all while taking advantage of the LeagueSafe 5% transfer bonus. I haven't been this excited since Round 1 of the Greed is Good FFL Playoffs. Wish me luck! And try it out for yourself!

Again, congratulations to the winners of the Greed is Good FFL! Based on Red Riders tenacious approach to managing his teams in the past few years, I knew it wouldn't be long before he'd grab the trophy. Y'all can thank me for stopping him from going undefeated . . . .

As promised, below is the draft order for next season. I really had a great time having you all in the league, and I hope to see you return. Happy off-season to yas!

GiGFFL Paid
1st pick - Discard After Use
2nd pick - Von Miller's Dealer
3rd pick - timesofgracefullness
4th pick - I Got Gronkitis
5th pick - He Hate Me
6th pick - Terrorizors
7th pick - DC In Yo Face
8th pick - I Pitta Da' Fool $$$
9th pick - Mad Ravens
10th pick - CarefreeCFC
11th pick - SwashBucklers
12th pick - Nip-com-plete
13th pick - The Dean
14th pick - Red Riders

GiGFFL Free
1st pick - gettinitdone
2nd pick - M.I. Man UP
3rd pick - Four Loko
4th pick - Turd Fergusons
5th pick - Bitchtits
6th pick - Hail Mary
7th pick - poon dogs
8th pick - Super Heater
9th pick - The Commish
10th pick - Bobbum Man

Protect Your Investment: Play for Your Draft Pick Next Season

The Greed is Good FFL season ends tonight, and the playoffs begin Thursday, December 5th.

Like the closing of the stock market, you strive to make those last minute decisions, hoping to send your team into the win column and among the enterprising elite. Some make it and some don't. But don't fret. You are encouraged to keep your firm afloat. Play out the rest of this season to improve your draft pick for next season.

Those of you who do not make the playoffs will compete in the consolation bracket. Winning will move you closer to the beginning of the order in next season's draft. Here's how it works.

• 5th place = 1st pick
• 6th place = 2nd pick
• 7th place = 3rd pick
• 8th place = 4th pick
• 9th place = 5th pick
• 10th place = 6th pick
• 11th place = 7th pick
• 12th place = 8th pick
• 13th place = 9th pick
• last place = 10th pick
• 4th place = 11th pick
• 3rd place = 12th pick
• 2nd place = 13th pick
• League Champion = 14th pick
• newcomers = pick after league champion in order of earliest sign-up

"The most valuable commodity I know of is information."

- Gordon Gekko